My Ultimate Sacrifice...

...for people thinking about reading, watching or having anything whatsoever to do with "Hana Yori Dango" (Flowers over Boys).

I have read/watched many a stupid thing. After all, I am the person who actively sought out the animated LOTR movie, bought the DVD and watched it. TWICE. I've also read quite a few of Anne Rice's novels, which everyone will admit are not the pinnacle of literature.

But no, this cannot go on. I cannot understand the popularity of this terrible terrible series and to prevent poor innocents from stumbling across it like I did and suffering as a consequence, I will hereby write a synopsis.

First, an introduction: Hana Yori Dango is a Japanese manga which has been turned into an anime series and live action shows in Japan, Taiwan and Korea most recently. Apparently, it's horribly popular. Now, I've only read 4 complete manga series: Rose of Versailles, Kindaichi Case Files, Fruits Basket and this thing. So I'm not the greatest connoisseur of manga or anything like that, but I know what I like. And I don't like this. I hate it. I hate it SO MUCH.

Characters:
Girl in the middle (aka. Bloody Idiot): Main character of Hana Yori Dango. EVERYONE falls in love with her. EVERYONE. Why? What are her redeeming qualities? I know this is a shoujo, so girls are supposed to be able to insert themselves easily into the main character, but this girl has NOTHING going on. She punches and kicks people a lot, I guess. YEAH.

Guy on left with short blonde hair (aka. Aspergers Doofus): One of the F4, a group of 4 supposedly hot rich guys. Bloody Idiot falls in love with him in the beginning. Apparently, it's hinted that he has Aspergers syndrome? Whatever. I don't care enough to find out.

Guy on right with ridiculour reggae hair (aka. Sociopath): Leader of the F4. He's the main guy, who falls in love with Bloody Idiot and gets together with her at the end. Yeah, I ruined it for you. If you couldn't tell from the particular expression he has up there, then you need to read more manga.

Guys in the back (Mimbo 1 and Mimbo 2): Other two members of F4. They're rich playboys, yadda yadda, they're useless, flavourless and wholly uninteresting.

Synopsis:

Bloody Idiot goes to a rich kids' high school, even though her family's dirt poor. One day, she accidentally falls down the staircase and stomps on Sociopath's face. As payback, Sociopath puts a red tag in her locker, a declaration of war against her from the entire school (apparently being filthy rich gives you the right to do this).

So Bloody Idiot leads a miserable life getting egged and beaten up, but is determined to win. Meanwhile, she falls in love with Aspergers Doofus, who is in love with a childhood friend, who is not in love with anyone. Sociopath sees how plucky Bloody Idiot is and starts being interested in her (there's some sort of weird crush on his older sister that he's projecting onto Bloody Idiot or something). Random Girl 1 spreads around a rumour that Bloody Idiot is a hussy and Sociopath believes it for a bit, but then decides to rescue Bloody Idiot from a mob of students who is dragging her behind a car?

Seriously, what is this crap?

Anyhoo, Bloody Idiot gets rescued, Sociopath declares his love for the first time. And his hair's all straight, because he declares his love after a shower. The author of this sensational bit of retardedness tries to imply that he's at his most vulnerable when his hair is straight.

If I snorted any harder, my brain would shoot out of my nostrils.

Bloody Idiot can't decide whether she likes him or not, because if you remember, she's got a thing going for Aspergers Doofus. But Aspergers Doofus decides to fly to France to chase after the girl that he loves. So Bloody Idiot decides, hey, he's gone, might as well string Sociopath along.

Sociopath, contrary to his name, starts being ridiculously charming to Bloody Idiot and she starts to fall for him. But then Aspergers Doofus comes back from France because things didn't work out with his girl! They (Bloody Idiot and F4) go to Sociopath's vacation house by a beach someplace. Late at night, Bloody Idiot ends up kissing Aspergers Doofus on the beach. Sociopath gets super mad.

When they return home, Sociopath tries to get Bloody Idiot and Aspergers Doofus expelled from school by threatening to cut off his family's yearly donation. Sociopath's older sister stops this scheme and instead suggests a 3-on-3 basketball game to decide who wins.

[INSERT PEAL OF DERISIVE LAUGHTER HERE]

The night before the game, Sociopath declares his love for the second time. She hesitates, so he slams her into the wall and tries to kiss her. This is not the only incident of sexual assault in this manga. I was starting to think that this manga was specifically written for people who're into that kind of thing. Or the author has some major issues.

The next day, just as Sociopath's team is about to win, he decides that the game is stupid and leaves for New York. Meanwhile, Bloody Idiot and Aspergers Doofus break up because they decide that they'd rather be friends anyway. Sociopath discovers this when he's in New York and returns promptly. Once he returns, Sociopath and Bloody Idiot start going out. Or something. It's very vague, supposedly to add "tension" to the romance.

Sociopath decides that he's going to enter her into the Miss Teen Japan contest so that she can rise to his social status or something.

I...I'm just gonna sigh and continue writing. By the way, I'm at chapter 63 out of 241.

BLAH BLAH BLAH, by a total fluke, Bloody Idiot becomes Runner-up at the Miss Teen Japan contest. What a way to just skip over 10 chapters.

Sociopath decides that he wants to go to Canada and forces the rest of F4 and Bloody Idiot to come. Some spiteful girls tag along, because they don't want the F4 to be tainted by the poor people mannerisms of Bloody Idiot. I would have just disliked her because she's so dumb, not because she's poor.

For the love of heaven, Bloody Idiot, stop pointing out how fabulously rich Sociopath is! "Wow, look at this mansion! I guess he's that rich, huh." You've seen two of his other mansions, his yacht and his private island. SHUT UP.

They go to a chalet on the Rockies someplace and the spiteful cows trick Bloody Idiot into wandering out into a snowstorm at night. Sociopath goes out looking for her and carries her hypothermic ass into some abandoned cabin. After some ridiculous number of pages depicting manga-style sexual tension, they fall asleep.

They return to the chalet in the morning. Spiteful cows are kicked out. They all return home. Bloody Idiot is approached by the younger brother of an old school friend. He's a model? Anyway, it turns out that he was using her as bait to get to Sociopath, who beat up his friend in the past. Sociopath ends up in the hospital. That's what you get when you're a violent sociopath who constantly escapes justice because of your wealth, my friend.

Bloody Idiot is trying to decide whether she really likes Sociopath or not. Sociopath invites her to his birthday party where she meets his mother (Evil Bitch) for the first time. Evil Bitch insults her and Sociopath escapes from the party with Bloody Idiot.

Evil Bitch forces a surprise engagement on Sociopath with a girl from a super rich family (Random Girl 2). Random Girl 2 claims to have fallen in love with Sociopath and because he's all frustrated by the dumbassery of Bloody Idiot, he agrees to go out with her. Then he decides that no, he's really REALLY in love with Bloody Idiot, so he dumps Random Girl 2 and they break off their engagement. Bloody Idiot decides to fight against Evil Bitch, not because she has real feelings for Sociopath, but because she feels insulted and wants to win.

God...why...

Bloody Idiot's family becomes destitute and they go to the countryside, leaving her behind to finish school. Bloody Idiot has nowhere to stay, so she becomes a maid in Sociopath's mansion while Evil Bitch is away on business. His personal servant.

GOD. WHY...

Bloody Idiot tells him that she wants to go out with him. Happiness doesn't last long, obviously, because there are still 118 chapters left in this godawful piece of work. Evil Bitch decides to ruin the companies of Bloody Idiot's friends. Bloody Idiot says that she will stay away from Sociopath and Evil Bitch makes everything back the way it was. Bloody Idiot breaks up with Sociopath outside on the street in a thunderstorm (naturally the ideal setting for a manga breakup). But she doesn't tell him WHY she's doing it.

What a friggin' idiot.

Bloody Idiot runs away to her family in the countryside who's been mooching off their neighbours by telling them that Bloody Idiot was engaged to Sociopath. The idiocy runs in their whole family, evidently. She starts to work in a stand by the beach that sells corn on the cob. Aspergers Doofus happens to see her on TV after she's been missing for a week. He convinces Sociopath to come to the countryside with him and rescue Bloody Idiot from the squalor.

Sociopath and Aspergers Doofus help Bloody Idiot's family move back to Tokyo. The family is more grating than every other character in this fricking thing.

Sociopath is still mad at Bloody Idiot, so she goes for a set-up party with her friends. She meets a Sociopath lookalike (Creepy Bugger), who says that he's Sociopath's cousin. It turns out that Creepy Bugger was just some random guy who was hired by Evil Bitch to seduce Bloody Idiot away from Sociopath. In the end, Crazy Bugger helps Bloody Idiot by pretending to Evil Bitch that he succeeded. Bloody Idiot and Sociopath get back together.

Evil Bitch eventually finds out and forces Sociopath to move to New York. Bloody Idiot chases after Sociopath and finds his house with some random people's help. Evil Bitch invites her in. Bloody idiot declares her love for him (after almost 200 chapters), but Sociopath rejects her coldly. Bloody Idiot leaves and finds Aspergers Doofus who came to New York to help her just in case. While wandering around New York, Bloody Idiot helps out a man who turns out to be in the middle of a business deal with Evil Bitch. Bloody Idiot saves Evil Bitch's business deal. To pay her back, Evil Bitch allows Sociopath to meet Bloody Idiot at the airport before she flies back to Japan with Aspergers Doofus. Aspergers Doofus punches Sociopath.

Bloody Idiot returns to Japan with Aspergers Doofus. Sociopath shows up randomly at her house. It's revealed that Evil Bitch granted Sociopath complete freedom for 2 years if he dumps Bloody Idiot. That makes a whole ton of sense, alright. They are kidnapped by some shady men and put on a deserted yacht that's on autopilot. They end up on a deserted island but find out the next day that Mimbo 1 and Mimbo 2 planned it all along and it's actually an island that's being developed as a resort. Bloody Idiot and Sociopath reaffirm their love.

Okay, only 30 chapters left.

As they're getting off the boat on their way back home, some random guy stabs Sociopath. He ends up in the hospital and almost dies on the operating table. When he wakes up, he has no memory of Bloody Idiot.

Amnesia? HONESTLY? This is the height of retardation, right here.

Another patient at the hospital (Random Girl 3) moves in on him and tries to convince him that there's no point trying to remember the past. Instead of kicking her ass, as is her normal reaction to things, Bloody Idiot becomes depressed and decides to give up on Sociopath. She visits Sociopath's house and throws a baseball (a souvenir from a date) at his head in frustration. A few days later, Sociopath shows up at her house because the baseball restored his memory.

Woopdewoop, they're in love.

When Sociopath's father falls ill, he has to take responsibility for the family business so he decides that he has to go to New York. For FOUR GODDAMN YEARS. He promises to come back for her.

They go off to an island resort by themselves. Bloody Idiot falls into the pool. She has a bath afterwards. Later during an intimate moment, Bloody Idiot develops a fever (manga characters are genetically predisposed to developing fevers at the drop of a hat) and the two bleeding bloody idiot characters remain chaste.

Sociopath flies to New York after prom and Bloody Idiot will wait for him for the next four years. I don't understand what the big deal is. He's super rich. He has a private plane. It's not like he can't fly back once in awhile or fly her to New York once in awhile.

Did I mention that all of this happens when she's in grade 11 and he's in grade 12? They're high school kids. They're idiots! Everyone is at that age!

DUMBEST MANGA EVER. So don't read it.